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home : opinions : opinions November 16, 2018

12/12/2017 1:01:00 PM
All In!

Our seven-month-old puppy is afraid of the vacuum cleaner. Our barely ambling older dog, Alfie, walks by it like it isn't there.

Recently, young Beau skirted fearfully by it to visit me in my office. Right after he made the perilous journey past the green monster, I accidently dropped my phone. He skidded back out of the room like Scooby-Doo! It was hilarious but also a bit of a reminder of how I've been feeling lately.

My scary vacuum is my impending last day of work with Sisters Folk Festival. I've been employed there for 11 years, and I've gotten very accustomed to my daily routine. It's not always easy, but after all these years, it's a predictable existence without many surprises - that was until the recent smoke-filled cancellation. But as a team, we handled the difficulties and have almost put the unfortunate event in our rearview mirrors. It's still a sad, almost surreal memory but we had each other to get through it.

Now I'm going on alone. I've been avoiding thinking too much about the uncharted territory that will soon be my reality. It's scary, and it sure can get the adrenaline pumping. I have a plan, but also don't really know what's happening next for me. Now that I've given myself the freedom to work full-time on my book and freelance writing, I wonder if I will I be able to create a work that fulfills my expectations? Not to mention everyone else's.

Like Beau reacting to my phone falling, I can get spooked pretty easily. But, really, what is it I'm afraid of? Can it kill me? Will I fail? Thoughts along those lines are floating just below the surface. I don't even realize they're there until I try to meditate. Once I shut my eyes and attempt to quiet my mind, I realize that the wild animals have all been let out of the zoo. My thoughts are out of control, sliding around corners and overwhelming me with their demand for attention.

When my thoughts go rogue, I'm surprised at how many topics are lurking in my subconscious. Without trying, my mind's way to deal with mental overload is to pull the curtains and pretend the fears are not there. But that doesn't last. Especially soon without a job to distract me, I know it'll soon be "showtime!"

This is my last week of work. I'm excited to get organized, start acting on my plans and see where it all takes me. I'm beginning to meditate more regularly, and bit by bit the wild thoughts are calming down. This is not an emergency! This is an opportunity!

When I take it all down to the ground floor, it's simple. I'm alive. My mind still works. I have a chance to live a dream I've carried since childhood.

I'm going to truly give faith a chance. No more excuses, crutches or procrastinations. I'm taking that step off the cliff, knowing I'll either have wings or a very large helpful bird just might sail by to give me a lift. However it happens, I'm all in!

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