Group helps people face loss after a murder

Kate Rohauer. photo by Kathryn Godsiff

The loss of a loved one at the hand of another is the most crushing blow any human being is forced to endure. Kate Rohauer of Sisters knows this first-hand; she lived through the emotional maelstrom following the murder of her daughter Lynette Jarvis in California in September of 1998.

Jarvis was shot while hitchhiking with a companion on a lonely stretch of road in the Apple Valley.

Rohauer has finally healed enough to be able to help others through the maze of grief and legalities encountered after a violent death. She will lead Central Oregon's first meeting of a support group for the families and friends of those who have died by homicide.

The National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children, Inc. (POMC) will hold monthly meetings starting Wednesday, March 3, 6:30 p.m., at the Cloverdale Fire Hall, 68787 George Cyrus Road.

The organization began in 1978, founded by an Ohio couple. It is based on the idea that grief must be shared and today provides support and resources to over 100,000 "survivors" -- those left behind after the crime is committed.

Rohauer attended a meeting in Portland, previously the only chapter in Oregon. She and one of her daughters walked out of the meeting feeling healed and humbled.

"There is always someone who's story is more heartbreaking," she said.

At each meeting, the survivors share the stories of their loss. Somehow, by sharing experiences, feelings and insights, the grief is lessened. Dealing with sibling grief, helping young children cope, funeral, courtroom and judicial issues are all topics that may be addressed.

No one is ever judged on their emotional reactions, no matter how extreme, because those are a normal part of grieving for a murder victim. And no one ever says it's "time to get on with life" or "time to get over it."

Rohauer believes that a survivor never really "gets over it" -- not the way society defines it.

"Closure never really happens, there will always be loose ends. Homicide devastates a family, and unless you heal correctly, your family never gets better," she said.

"Correct" healing means traveling down the road of grief, with company, and dealing with each aspect of it. People know when they have completed each step.

One of the strengths of POMC is the resources available to help survivors through the legal murk that follows a homicide. A family's grief is often intruded upon by the criminal justice system -- which is necessary, but not always sensitive.

Rohauer and her husband, Gene, made more than 100 trips to the courthouse during the extended time it took to convict her daughter's killer.

She had a bit of knowledge about the system, having been a volunteer for her local sheriff's department. Still, there were horrific moments which no one prepared her for, such as the time a greatly enlarged photograph of her daughter's injured face was shown in the courtroom.

Her immediate reaction was to bolt out of the courtroom in tears.

POMC offers support during those times by explaining judicial procedures and providing company during the trial.

One of the programs, Murder is Not Entertainment (MINE), seeks to raise awareness about the impact of "murdertainment."

"True reality is so much more horrific than TV," said Rohauer.

Members of POMC are all united by a common, if unwelcome, bond. Rohauer says that no matter what one's belief system, connections will be made.

For more information on POMC, visit the website at www.pomc.org.