Connecting with teenagers

Parents and teachers have important messages to impart to teenagers, and only a small window of time to do it in. Yet teenagers are notoriously hard to connect with. So what's the secret?

Andrew Robinson, author of "The Teen Age," believes he has cracked the code of adult-teen communication. And judging by his success last week with a group of Sisters High School students, it would appear that teenagers are just as eager as adults to engage openly, given the right conditions.

That means talking with them rather than at them, said Robinson following a session with Heather Johnson's health students.

"For others to take our messages seriously they must get involved at a level so deep that they invest themselves personally in the conversation. Rather than talking to them, we collaborate with them to help them arrive at a more concrete, powerful understanding than is possible through traditional messaging."

According to Robinson, who travels the country speaking to and training organizations on interpersonal communication, the key element is engagement.

"Engagement is what happens when we successfully connect our message with passions, experiences, ideas, and interests that already exist in the minds, hearts, and souls of the other people." 

In Johnson's class, Robinson grabbed the teens' attention and involvement by leading them in collaborative games that required active participation and creativity. Once engaged, the eight students were asked to respond to a series of questions, from their own personal experience. No answer was right or wrong.

They considered this question: "What is the healthiest choice you could make concerning alcohol?"

After listening attentively and respectfully to each others' insights, they worked as a group to boil down their responses, constructing the simplest and best possible message: Avoid the use of alcohol. According to the students, what they value about that message is it's straightforward nature.

"There's no gray area," said one girl.

Students were asked to come up with reasons teens might be attracted to using alcohol and what sorts of parenting techniques they would recommend to dissuade kids from it.

One girl suggested that teens turn to alcohol as a response to "internal loss ... something's missing but they don't know what." Her recommendation to parents was "getting them engaged in other activities like sports and music, so they don't go looking for that thing they're missing inside."

Another suggested that parents lead by example.

Still another thought it was important to stay "engaged with teens even after they've screwed up, believing they can change."

By the time Robinson asked, "Why would someone your age choose not to drink alcohol?" all of the students appeared invested in the conversation and oblivious to the video camera recording the session for Robinson's website.

"I've worked hard," said one girl, "I don't want to lose the relationship I have with my parents. The guilt, loss, feeling that I've lost their trust - I wouldn't be able to bear that."

Not all of the students in Johnson's class counted themselves lucky enough to have that kind of relationship with their parents. They suggested that the next-best thing would be "to surround yourself with good people who respect you for you."

But then Robinson asked the students to raise their hands to indicate whether they have at least one person in their lives who fits that description. Not everyone raised their hands.

Johnson was pleased, but not surprised, with the level of interest and transparency her students demonstrated; she uses similar techniques herself.

"They are one hundred percent engaged," she observed. "Everything's lit up - their past, their present and future. And this is only a drop in the ocean. To hear my opinion and insight will only get them so far compared to the value of hearing and learning from each other."

Sophomore Harley Bowler explained why she connected with the message: "Everyone had something to say because they're living it. It affects us, so we're going to actually listen."

Junior Michelle Young added that "talking with other people instead of people just talking at you" is refreshing because "we get lectured all day long in school."

Said Robinson, "We have a limited time to contribute to the lives of the people we care about. These messages are too important, too life-changing to settle for anything less." 

A demonstration film constructed from the session at Sisters High School will be added this summer to the other training resources available to parents and educators on Robinson's website: http://www.peoplechangepeople.com.