A new song

The record plays the same song over and over, it has become part of me, crooning uninvited in my head. It isn't until it skips that I realize I am caught in the grooves, in a trance, unable to move. Cancer caused the skip that woke me up, revealing this way of being does not serve me. A new song has arrived. It repeats the need for meditation, exercise, clean eating and healthy thoughts.

Since October 25, my sister and I have been doing a dietary cleanse that removed dairy, gluten, sugar, alcohol, caffeine and most fruits from my diet. At first it felt restrictive and overwhelming, but I'd made a commitment I wasn't willing to break. In the first week I began feeling depressed and hopeless; the variety of food was so limited I began eating meal-replacement bars from the store. I knew they weren't the best option but I didn't think I had a much of a choice. On day 14, I wasn't sure I could stay on the eating plan for 60 days. Then my daughter came home for Thanksgiving.

Amy fired up her laptop and began exploring websites that had vegan, sugar-free, gluten-free recipes. We started having fun trying new recipes and experimenting with stevia as a sweetener. Suddenly, my horizon expanded and I realized there were more resources out there than I knew. We hosted a Thanksgiving that tasted delicious, and it was all on our diet! We all commented on the great way we felt after our feast with no distended, sore stomachs or acid reflux.

My food deprivation depression lifted and I'm feeling more in control and optimistic about my health. I see unhealthy foods with less desire and more discernment. If food is fuel, why would I fill my body with anything but the best ingredients? Organic options are much more affordable and available. For me, it feels like a matter of life or death.

As I continue to look at causes of my cancer (it was not genetic) I have to face the fact that being overweight contributed to my disease. Having had an estrogen-fed form of breast cancer, I have learned that fat produces estrogen. So the more fat I carry around on my body the more estrogen I produce. Even with the drug I take to block estrogen receptors, my fat keeps storing toxins and making estrogen.

For me fat is a double-edged sword, along with the health implications, it also represents the emotions I stuff through emotional-eating. When I am able to face myself in the mirror, I see those extra pounds as stagnate emotions I haven't dealt with yet. They are a daily reminder of what I haven't tackled in my life.

The plan is to create a new song in my head that promotes a healthier mind and body. I know that old record is still in the jukebox waiting for me to slip up and let it drop back onto the turntable. My reasons for staying alive motivate and guide me through the day so that doesn't happen.

There are also walking examples around me of people who have mastered their eating habits. They are my models of how to move through the world both awake and aware of my actions. We all have our stuff we're working on.

In writing this I just outed myself; admitting one of my weaknesses. Not that it was ever really hidden. Being fat is one of those challenges that you wear on your hips, arms, boobs, stomach ... you get the idea. It turns out the only person I was really hiding from was myself.

There is a degree of shame that it's taken me this long to handle my eating problem. It's embarrassing to have to squeeze into theater seats, being unable to fit into cute clothes and getting out of breath so quickly.

I've felt the disapproving stares of "athletes" who can barely hide their disgust for my lack of self-control. Over the years, friends have made snide comments about overweight people, forgetting I'm standing there as the poster child of their disdain.

It would be helpful to not feel judged or disrespected by others. When I see an overweight person I wonder why they are carrying around all that baggage and what makes them fill the void with food? Feeling unloved, not good enough or unheard are tough emotions that are often buried and forgotten until they percolate to the surface uninvited.

We all have our coping mechanisms for painful emotions. The thing I'm trying to remember is that they are also bad for my health.

We're all dealing with issues of one kind or another. I invite you to take the time to consider why someone's grumpy, sad or quiet. With a kind word, you might be just the person to add a little happiness into their day. With all the chaos in the world, we are so fortunate to live in our little town.

We are a tiny microcosm of society with the opportunity to make the world a better place one smile at a time.