How to build "grit"

Earlier this month we asked the question, "Are there helicopter parents in Sisters?"

Parents are asking: "How do you avoid falling into the trap of being over-protective or rescuing? You certainly don't want your kids to fail and experience the humiliation and disappointment that comes with all of that."

Stepping back and letting our kids work through problems can be very beneficial. As the popular parenting program, "Parenting With Love and Logic," by Jim Fay and Foster Cline teaches, the earlier you allow children to have to deal with consequences the better. Not turning in homework in elementary school is far less costly than not turning in an assignment in high school. And, as we all know, poor choices in the teen years can lead to devastating consequences.

Give your toddlers limited choices. Step back and see if your third-grader starts his homework on his own. Allow your kids to make mistakes. They will learn far more from mistakes than successes. When successful we celebrate and move on; when we make a mistake we don't want it to happen again so we take time to figure out what went wrong.

Of course, your kids may need guidance from you to complete this process. That's part of the job of being a parent

This is also the advice of Joe Hosang, Sisters High School principal.

By not rescuing, allowing the skills of perseverance and "grit" to develop, parents are helping their kids move closer to the life they will experience as adults. Teach them the skills they'll need in real life, giving enough leash to practice those skills on their own. You'll probably be surprised at how well they do.

What if there are special needs? Respond as needed - and that may mean some adjustments.

I know a mom of a child diagnosed with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Her young man can't possibly do homework after a day in school. However, he's a very early riser (4 a.m.). Her response is to rise with him, providing the right atmosphere for homework to be accomplished.

She's responding as needed.

Once your child has learned to do something, make it a "rule of thumb" not to do it for them. Of course, there are times this isn't possible (as in, you have to get out the door and naked bodies aren't appropriate) and you need to intervene. However, following it most of the time will save any parent lots of work in the future. Of course, a skill you have to develop to go with that is patience - something we need anyway to succeed in every situation.

Too often we parents do much to keep our kids from facing challenges, helping them find an easier solution to a problem. Carol Dweck, a Stanford researcher, has found that children who avoid challenges display a fixed mindset: feeling that their intelligence is a fixed trait, they avoid challenges that "stretch" them. Children who embrace and take on challenges demonstrate a growth mindset, appraising their abilities as something they can change and develop.

When parents say, "You put a lot of effort into that paper," instead of, "You are so smart!" they are fostering a growth mindset.

Even though it may be many years before your child heads off to college or are on their own, it is never too early to begin teaching the skills they will need. Chores are a magnificent teaching tool. Build them into everyday activities, beginning with toddlers putting toys away or elementary-aged children making their beds, taking out the trash, and emptying the dishwasher. Middle school and high school kids can help younger siblings with homework and assist with shopping and meals. And, once you have a driver, be sure to hand over many of the time-consuming "chores" that make most parents' days stressful and exhausting.

Save your energy so you can be the cheerful, helpful mom or dad needed when you do need to step in.