Commentary... Learning to cope with pain and loss

2017 has not been easy. From the get-go it's been rough. Regardless of your politics, the presidential transition has been anything but smooth. It's been unsettling - and motivating. I've gotten more involved in politics; more interested in what's happening. The stakes seem higher and more fraught with potential disaster than ever before.

When I feel out of control I don't always choose the healthiest ways to cope. All I have to do is look in the mirror to know that's been the case this year. Instead of choosing meditation and prayer, I've often chosen wine and chocolate. One option leaves me relaxed and centered, the other gives me a headache and thunder thighs!

Jeez, when will I ever learn?

Leaving the political climate aside, life's thrown some tough challenges my way. When I say that, I mean there are loved ones who are suffering and I'm trying to help but end up suffering, too. In the past week, my horse died. The night before, a friend died. Through all of that, a loved one was diagnosed with colon cancer. Can I just call "BUNCO!" and sit this one out? Even as I write this I'm ashamed to complain about any of it. I'm alive. I don't live in Syria. I'm not an undocumented worker terrified of being deported. And my cancer hasn't come back.

Nonetheless, it's all taking its toll and I'm having trouble coping. My body aches, I'm tired no matter how much sleep I get, and I'm still worrying about all the things I can't control. Am I guilty to feel this way? Am I ungrateful? Should I just "buck up!" and deal with it? So far my personal pep talks haven't worked, or they don't last long.

I know that health, whether it's considered bad or good, is affected by my state of mind. Focusing on what's wrong or unfair in my life doesn't help make things better. As my Mom so wisely says, "the waves go in and the waves go out." Right now, there are high winds and a low tide making it hard to move through the day. Having spent my fair share of time sailing, I know I can't change the wind but I can change my direction by responding to my circumstances thoughtfully.

All this loss can be overwhelming. Losing loved ones to death is the price I pay for the blessing of being alive. For some I am torn between wanting their suffering to cease and not wanting them to leave me. Then there's the friendships that run their course and fall away. It's another type of loss that requires a lot of self-reflection and regrouping.

I try not to, but it's tempting to wonder who's next. Me? Someone else I love dearly? I've heard a lot of talk lately saying, "God only gives you what you can handle." That idea stopped making sense to me after a friend took his own life in college. He couldn't handle what was happening around him or in his head, so he ended it. Suffering is hard to endure and often even harder to witness. It makes more sense for me to accept that sad things happen and then know that blessings will accompany that loss.

The key for me - and an ongoing lesson - is learning how to handle and cope with loss. How I perceive tough times and what I allow my mind to focus on has a direct effect on my mental and physical health. I've allowed myself to cry when I need to, no matter where I am or who I'm with. I'm getting better at letting people know how I'm feeling and when they've said something that is hurtful. For instance, using the "beating a dead horse" analogy is not advised for someone who has recently had to put their horse down. In fact, I wish that term would just cease to exist like so many other old-fashioned phrases that have lost their relevance in today's world.

I'm taking one moment at a time, trying to stay positive and healthy. I'm going to keep praying for those I've lost and those who are suffering. I'm also giving up trying to figure out why bad things happen. They just do; it's what I choose to do afterwards that really matters.