Digital engagement affects families

T. Lee Brown | Last updated Aug 21, 2018 12:0pm0

T. Lee Brown count

Sisters kids model the Phone Zombie look.

The Norton family spends most of their free time playing or working in the great outdoors near Sisters. They watch a few TV shows and play some video games, but place limits on screen time. It sounds like good old-fashioned common sense: People need fresh air and healthy activity, right?

Common sense has taken a hit in recent years, especially since online devices became handheld. Smartphones, tablets, and ubiquitous wi-fi hold children, parents, and everyone else in their sway. It's no accident, either. Welcome to the Attention Economy of the 21st century. To function, it requires what marketers call "engagement."

From the smallest startup to the Googliest mega-corporation, attention-related companies earn revenue through advertising. Ads are nothing new. What's new is the slot-machine-style, addictive technology serving up today's ads. What's new is convincing people to pay folding money for the honor of carrying a brainwashing device on their person 24/7. Grabbing their attention and keeping it, over and over: marketers call it "engagement."

Research shows disturbing trends that link digital engagement to social and mental health problems (see previous articles in this series). Emma Norton observes its effects at her Sisters workplace:

"On a typical school holiday you can see seats and corners full of kids glued to screens," she reports. "Very rarely are they communicating with each other or running around in the big grassy area outside." The parents are often physically active, while their kids "zone out on screens - a big juxtaposition."

Enter Emma's child Max, who is "totally left out of the 'fun' and it makes me sad. The potential peers do not look up or say hello, even though they usually know each other... no one is free to chit-chat or play. So my kid awkwardly hangs with peers and looks over their shoulders, hangs with the staff, or reads."

Today's software and hardware are designed to engage users constantly-and make them feel anxious if they step offline. "It became this kind of puppet-master effect, where all of these products are puppet-mastering all these different users," admitted Tristan Harris, formerly a product designer at Google, in a recent interview. "That was really bad."

Harris and other prominent Silicon Valley technologists have begun to speak out against the Frankenstein they helped create. Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, says he puts boundaries on the kids in his life: "There are some things that I won't allow; I don't want them on a social network." Virtual reality pioneer Jaron Lanier has been a deep thinker in the industry for decades. His current thinking can be summed up in the title of his latest book, "Ten Arguments for Deleting Your Social Media Accounts Right Now."

"For the sake of child sleep, health, and family balance, it's time to rethink user engagement as the primary goal of child technology design," asserts Dr. Jenny Radesky, writing for the American Academy of Pediatrics. Until that happens, everyday folks struggle to regain balance between real and digital life.

Peer pressure affects adults as well as kids. "Aside from a core group of like-thinking mom friends," Emma says, "I often feel alone in the struggle of how to parent screen-time."

The issue follows Max to Sisters Elementary School and even on the bus ride home. "My kiddo's school does not allow toys on the bus, but they allow screens," she notes. "Um, what? How does this even make sense? It's crazy." Temporarily calming kids with devices has been likened to giving them drugs. Audry Van Houweling, founder of She Soars Psychiatry in Sisters, refers to them as digital pacifiers.

"It's heartbreaking for my kid to feel left out," Emma laments. On the other hand, Emma recently noticed that Max is learning while the other kids are absorbed in their devices. Max develops conversational skills by chatting with adult patrons who stop to say hi, while the others lose out on the "unknown, missed opportunity" of playing, learning to have conversations, and meeting new people. In the long run, Max has an advantage. For now? Responsible device use is tough on child and parent alike. (See "Techniques for happier screen time" on page 15.)

This is part five in The Nugget's series on digital media, nature, and kids. If you are affected by screen-time issues or have found healthy solutions, please share your story by emailing freelance writer [email protected]

Techniques for happier screen time

Are you mired in Facebook depression, falling down rabbit holes of political news, losing sleep to Netflix and YouTube? Are Snapstreaks and Epic Tavern more important than exercising or keeping your grades up? Yeah, you've got a problem. Even if it connects you with friends faraway, even if following the play-by-play of Russian investigations makes you feel like a good citizen - excess device engagement drains your energy, time, and perspective. It's hard to connect with real people or make positive political change without those precious resources.

The folks who design social media technologies and program addictive news call it "hijacking your brain." Here are a few techniques for reclaiming it.

Reduce Visibility

Out of sight, out of mind. When you're on a diet, do you leave a candy dish on the counter? No, you're too smart for that. Find a dark cubbyhole where you can plug in your phone, and leave it there except when you really need it.

Out in public or at home with family, pretend your phone habit is like a drug problem. Gotta do it? Don't flaunt it. If enough people take this approach, our kids (and their grownups) will no longer think that glueing yourself to a screen and ignoring the world around you is normal and acceptable.

Take the "Wait Until 8th" Pledge

Worried that your kid will be the only one without an iPhone? Worry no more. Parents across America are signing the pledge to keep their kids off smartphones until eighth grade or later. (Flip phones and other basic phones for emergencies are still OK.) Register at http://www.waituntil8th.org and fill in your school's info, or type in "Homeschool" for school name and Sisters 97759 for the city/ZIP. Encourage friends to sign up, too.

Schedule a "Digital Sabbath"

No, that doesn't mean streaming Ozzy every Sunday. In many religious traditions, people take a weekly Sabbath Day for rest and reflection. For the non-religious, that might look more like walking along Whychus Creek with a friend. Sit down with your family and agree to try one day a week offline, for a month. Plan ahead to avoid logistical hassles. If a full day is too difficult, start smaller. Write a promise to each other, sign it, and hang it on your fridge. For example: "Sundays from noon onward, we'll stay off our devices."

Turn Off Notifications

To foil the corporations who are making money off your state of distraction, go into your device's settings. Find notifications and turn them off. Now when you look at your device's face, it won't show you a million things you ought to be concerned about right now. Want to know whether track practice is running late? Click on your text message app and see if the coach texted. Try not to read all those other, irrelevant texts alongside it.

Try a Bummer Break

Pick the media that's bumming you out most. Resolve to stay off it for a big chunk of time - a month, if you can; if not, try 10 days. It takes more than a couple days to come out of the haze. Don't replace your Bummer with a different game or app. Instead, find a real-life activity you can do when you're bored or stressed (drinking doesn't count). Ask friends and family to be supportive for this short period of time.

Learn from Cheating

Suppose you try to disengage - and find yourself slipping. First, know that you're not alone. Habits are tough to break, and these technologies are intentionally engineered to cause addictive behaviors. Keep a little notebook on-hand to jot down notes about when you "cheat" and why. (Your notebook is also a handy replacement for grocery lists, etc., instead of having them on your distracting phone.) Note, especially, your mood. Were you hungry, bored, stressed, tired, or sad? Which app or notification hooked you in? Read through later on; patterns will emerge. Find out what triggers your worst screen-zombie habits.

Get Some Help

In the Wild West we like to think we're independent cusses. But there's no shame in helping a neighbor round up stray cattle. No shame in barn-raising and potlucks.

No shame in talking to your doctor, pastor, or a counselor, either. Most bad habits play on our traumas and insecurities, relationship troubles and the stress of everyday life (not to mention deep existential angst). No need to navigate all that alone.

Here in Sisters, professional therapy is available from Audry Van Houweling, M.N., of She Soars Psychiatry, who takes an integrative approach; Dr. George Mecouch, D.O., with a Jungian-focused practice; and Brianna Morzov, LCSW, of Sacred Space Counseling, who offers EMDR therapy. Reach out if you need to.

There's more to come in The Nugget's ongoing series about digital media, nature, and our health. Email your tips and tricks for moderating screen time. If you give our tips a try, we're interested in hearing how it goes. We can keep your real name out of the paper. Email freelance writer T. Lee Brown, [email protected]

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Digital engagement affects families

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