Finishing the first draft

I finished the first draft of my book, via National Novel Writing Month's (NaNoWritMo) support and encouragement. It's an on-line community of writers who all try to write a novel in a month. The goal is a 50,000-word work - or 1,700 words per day. After typing my last word; first I just felt happy and proud that I actually did it. I love their website's header: "November 1-30 - The World Needs Your Novel." I did 50,010 words in one month. I averaged 1,667 words per day. In reality, I didn't write on a few of the days, so I had to really crank to make up for it. There were a few long, 5,000-word days in there.

As I wrote, the book evolved away from a focus on revenge and making other people pay for their abuse. It became more about understanding what happened to me, and how it affected how I perceive and move through the world.

I wanted to know why the bad actors did what they did. I also wanted to understand better why I reacted the way I did. I know for sure there are so many people who have had much worse childhood experiences than me. But they seem to have achieved resiliency when I didn't. I wondered what's wrong with me?

I realized through this journey that my reaction to my Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) were not contrived. My younger self simply reacted to the thoughts and responses that my soul and psyche had to the situations. It's not a contest. I understand myself better and it was beneficial to see my life's experiences from a distance, far enough away to feel removed and safe.

After the initial joy of accomplishing my goal, I began to feel shortness of breath, tightening in my chest and a brightness in the room that warned me a migraine was imminent. I had to breathe mindfully, not stare at anything bright and remind myself that this is a good thing.

Was it fear of success? Or failure? They both have stopped me mid-project before. This time I kept going. Even when I felt overwhelmed, unsure and not good enough to produce anything worth reading. I had to remind myself, that even if no one else reads this, I did it for me first.

Now it's time to put the pieces to the puzzle together and see what's still missing. Instead of looking in a jumble of pieces in a box or on the floor, I'll make the pieces myself. That's the beauty of this process. I'm the creator here. I'm the teller of the story - regardless of whether or not my family or friends agree with my version. What's important now is how I remember my story and how I want to change it to live a happier, healthier life from today forward.

I see the younger me not just as a victim of some bad experiences, but also as a hero who kept going even when she was scared and felt alone. She was a little warrior trying to navigate a situation that was too big for her young mind to comprehend.

Studies have shown there's a link between illnesses later in life and unresolved trauma that still impacts the adult. The working title for my book is, "Don't Let Them Kill You Too." It looks at the connection between adult illnesses like cancer and depression, and takes the reader on a journey of discovery and healing. Hopefully, it will help me stave off any more cancer and maybe even help me get a handle on emotional eating that I know evolved as a coping mechanism for a child who felt out of control.

When a child is being abused, I doubt that the perpetrator is thinking about how their actions will hurt that child for years to come. They are focused only on their needs. It's my hope that there's a possibility for healing for everyone involved in abuse. It's the only way to eventually stop the damage done when we are young.