The Dance

I came across this short verse the other day, written by me several years ago, that certainly speaks to where my life is during these short days of winter.

Surface thoughts of busyness clutter and clamor

as my soul seeks peace and stillness.

Calm and quiet beckon amid lists of to-dos and what-ifs.

The world competes and I resist,

drawn instead to watch, digest, relax, release.

Commitment versus contentment, the ever present dance.

There are days when grumpiness prevails due to the ever-present dance of commitment versus contentment. Perhaps what I really mean by contentment is an unfilled calendar with long periods of unstructured time - time to rest, read, reduce clutter; to BE.

My physical surroundings are cluttered with papers to sort through, files to set up, lists of to-dos to tackle, and projects to start or finish, with my dining table and other flat surfaces strewn with the debris of disorganization. The onslaught of the daily national news adds to a sense of dis-ease, with the larger world seemingly spinning out of control.

The short, dark days of winter remind me that I am on the home stretch and the finish line draws ever closer, whether I am ready or not. I have promised myself, and my two sons, that I will not leave them with the clutter of a life's accumulation to deal with after I die. At the same time that I want to pare down my worldly goods, my limited finances give rise to scarcity fears. "If I get rid of this (fill in the blank), I'll never be able to buy another one if I need to replace it."

I have always had vivid, Technicolor dreams and last night I think all of my desire for simplicity swirled into my wrestling with clutter, which folded into all the talk about growth and change in Sisters, and was topped off with a dash of national-news craziness added in, to produce a dream that left a profound impression when morning arrived.

I found myself in a small town that had created a permanent 1950s ambiance. My dad was traveling with me to begin with but, later in the dream, I was joined by my longest-time friend - we've shared our journeys for 71 of our 74 years.

Everything about the place was simple. People all knew each other, all doors were open, and there was a distinct sense of well-being and contentment. Even at the ice cream store, things were uncomplicated. There was a choice of vanilla, chocolate, or strawberry ice cream, which I found delightful.

Throughout the dream I kept commenting on how easy and simple life was. There was a pervasive atmosphere of satisfaction - the very feeling I have been desiring in my battle with overstuffed drawers and overstuffed schedules. I awoke wishing to stay in that dream town.

I made a comment to my daughter-in-law on Christmas Day that I had been feeling old this season. She asked me why and I told her I didn't have an explanation but I "just felt old." Maybe worn down is a more descriptive term. I would like the merry-go-round to at least slow down a bit, if I can't get off yet.

Winter does this to me, but it seems more pronounced this year. I cheer the winter solstice every year because it means the days start getting longer until we reach my birthday on the longest day of the year and the summer solstice.

The hope of spring keeps me going and I look forward to the first flush of light green down on the creek bed and outside my window, signaling another season of rebirth.

I am curious to see if I return to my uncomplicated small town tonight in my dreams. I will be working on creating it in my home and in my life.