What do we say to our kids?

What do we say to our kids when the news brings events unconscionable to most of us adults? Of course, I’m referring to the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump.

That’s just one example. Our kids hear and see much. This is what they are growing up with, what seems to be becoming the norm of our society. How do we explain it? How do we counter it in a way they will understand?

Probably the easiest thing to keep in mind is to balance whatever you say with your own values, sharing thoughts about things that are good and bad, and how you react to them. Letting your child know you are angry or upset is valuable in that it teaches that all feelings are valid. The important message that goes with this is that even though we can’t control what others do we can control how we respond and react.

Asking your kids their thoughts about what they saw is a good place to begin. Listen and determine how much they took in, their feelings as it happened, and what they think would be the best thing to do if something like that were to happen near them.

One way to help kids do this is to have them imagine being the victim or someone in harm’s way and ask them what they would do. Talk about that solution with them, was it the best thing to do, or might there be a better way to respond if it ever happens again.

If your kids see news of wars with children starving and no place to live, talk to them about what they saw. Talk about what they have, helping to build an appreciation for the many blessings around us. If they are old enough to understand about donations this is a great time to encourage part of their allowance or money received as a gift going to a cause they can relate to.

Young ones, old enough to understand rules, will also benefit from discussions of why there are rules of behavior. Recently, a friend shared the rules she and her husband had for their three-year-old grandchild who was visiting. “Be Kind, Be Safe, Be You.”

When you think about it, each of these covers many nuances that could be applied to the shooting incident. Even a young child knows that the shooter was not kind, that he was attempting to hurt Mr. Trump. As far as being safe, what a great time to talk about people who are there to help them be safe, such as Secret Service agents (or teachers, friends, and parents). As far as “being you,” that is what Mr. Trump was demonstrating, and even though there are times when bad things may happen it’s important to know what’s important to you.

Most importantly, talk with your kids. Don’t wait for them to bring something up if you think they are aware of or are impacted by something they saw. Remembering to use open-ended questions is often hard to do. In these kinds of discussions, they are much more valuable than questions that can be answered with a “yes” or a “no,” which often results in closing down conversations.

I remember far too vividly a phone conversation I had with a grandson who is usually very chatty when I forgot the above. Asking him if he had enjoyed an event he attended, he answered, “yes” and became quiet. I responded with, “Would you like to go again?” His answer again was “yes.” Followed with, “I’ve got to go Grandmom.” Did I learn anything from this exchange? Only that I missed a wonderful opportunity to know more about this young man and what was important to him.

We adults often don’t have answers for our kids about things they see or learn about. It is okay to say “I don’t know. What do you think?” Responses from them will usually give you more words to use to say what you really would like to say.