Your Story Matters: Reframing resilience

In recent years and especially on the heels of COVID’s onslaught, which generated a potent, collective grief, popular culture has given new fame to concepts such as social-emotional learning, self-care, and burnout prevention. It also put the spotlight on a concept that has long been loved in this country because it evokes sentiments of self-determination, grit, and perseverance central to our national identity. We are talking about the buzz word of resilience.

We have all heard the heroic tales of those who have seemed to persevere against the odds. Who have withstood despite hardship. Who have pushed through resistance. It is the story of the cowboy who pulls himself up with his bootstraps, the athlete who pushes through pain, the activist who marches on despite resistance, and the warrior who presses on despite danger. Having a personal love affair with the American West, its open spaces, and the stories of struggle and fortitude that have traveled its canyons, prairies, and mountain ranges, I too revel in the doggedness defining our country’s past times. The admiration of resilience spans generations and has long been a historical gauge to a person’s character.

And yet, are there limits to this story of individual resilience?

Bigger than myself

In the model of individualism, self-reliance, and positive thinking, we can get sold the idea that resilience comes solely from within. That it is on us as individuals to endure. For us to remain optimistic. For us to be resourceful. And so it follows that when we find ourselves flailing whether inwardly or outwardly in the aftermath of life’s curveballs, this too is on us. Not strong enough. Not hopeful enough. Not gritty enough. Sound harsh? Self-determination without limits can also leave us much more fragile as we stand alone on our own islands — and often beat ourselves up in the process.

Resilience is not simply an inside job or personal attribute, but much more a reflection of a person’s safety net and privilege. Health, financial resources, role modeling, access to education, and social support are all noteworthy contributors. Solo ventures of resilience can still be meaningful as we take risks and embrace certain levels of discomfort, but these ventures are made far easier if our safety net is intact, which is made possible mostly by our connection with others.

Resiliency does not bypass our need for help

“Resilient” is a popular adjective frequently used to describe ourselves or others — mostly with good intent, but we must be careful that it is not an abdication of responsibility to provide support. To label ourselves or others as “resilient” in the face of trauma or loss can sometimes imply an expectation to bounce back, withstand, and forge ahead, regardless of circumstance. Needs for further support or rest can be postponed or dismissed. It can be healthy and sometimes lifesaving to wave the white flag once in a while. Resilience should know boundaries in order that we preserve our strength and not burn out or tune out.

There is a great need for advocacy in this space. Too many folks find themselves in daunting positions but may feel unable to trust, have little for a safety net, and cannot afford a hiatus or rest. And so, the alternative is to forge ahead largely alone. Self-reliance can often be a defense mechanism born from tragedy.

Cultivating resilience

Resilience training is a multi-million-dollar industry, but often puts the onus on the individual, not the larger culture. In my early years of nursing, I worked in an inpatient psychiatric unit where staffing ratios were slim, critical needs were high, and administrative engagement was minimal. It was always a bit unsettling sitting in required “self-help” trainings, being taught to meditate and journal while profits continued to be prioritized over employee and patient welfare. Certainly, anyone can strengthen their resilience by taking care of themselves, but corporate and political culture can be skilled at sugarcoating as a means to bypass responsibility.

To cultivate greater resilience, we as individuals, and also systems and organizations, need to practice not only looking inward, but outward. Resilience is not so much about independence, but our willingness to be interdependent, as we both give and receive with our neighbors and fellow humans, and leverage our collective abilities. It is from this foundation of interdependence and collaboration that we can better navigate our own solo ventures, and feel at liberty to keep challenging our own comfort zones.

If you’re a sucker for stories of grit and perseverance, like me, just remember that these makings of resilience do not happen in a vacuum. They are cultivated — much of the time from what we glean from others, and our ability to sustain relationships. So, keep up your gratitude journal, green smoothie, and meditation practice. Just remember to make some friends along the way.