In The Pines: The parents are all right

The Sisters community is gearing up for a public discussion on Sunday, November 17, “Are the Kids Alright?” What about the parents?

I’ve read loads of articles about raising kids. Most of them in recent years question or scoff at hands-on, close, attached parenting styles.

Why do the kids—particularly middle-class and upward, often white kids—not jump on their bicycles and spend all day running around like back in the olden days? When we didn’t wear helmets or bring water bottles?

I’ve wondered these things myself. Our family lived in Portland when our son was little. He and I both seemed freer when visiting the land where I grew up in Lane County, with grandparents and other family around, and over forty acres of trees and trails to explore.

Because I had mold illness, we couldn’t live in the valley. A woodsy life here in Sisters Country, though lacking in family, seemed ideal. In many ways it has been ideal indeed.

Some aspects of “intensive parenting,” as the experts call it, do seem over-the-top: turning every moment into a school-worthy lecture; signing children up for dozens of educational and sports programs; not giving kids time and space to pick dandelions in the backyard or watch clouds scud by.

Kids often lack time for good old-fashioned boredom (off-screen), which has been shown to boost moods and creativity for people of all ages.

Research shows that the intensive approach is eroding many parents’ sense of well-being, mental and physical health, and checking accounts. I get it; I’ve had those days.

These points and more were brought up in a recent episode of The Daily podcast that concluded, “The Parents Aren’t All Right.” However, as is often true in these conversations, several important factors were left out.

Many of us faced sexual harassment, molestation, predation, and/or bullying as kids and teens. If we didn’t, our peers and siblings did. I am consistently surprised by how few parenting experts bring this up.

Physically we were often unsafe. We broke our arms, got concussions, and wrapped electric fence wires around our necks.

It seems no surprise that we would grow up to prioritize our children’s safety and emotional well-being.

Families are often smaller now. The 11-year-old of the household used to play with and help raise the 7-year-old and the 2-year-old in a typical household. Now parents in small families do it all.

Americans are more mobile, moving to different cities, than in decades past. Some left our hometowns, college towns, friend networks, and churches—for work, education, or because our childhood communities were rife with bigoted, racist, homophobic, sexist, and violent behavior.

Americans are less community engaged compared to, say, the 1950s. The Bowling Alone syndrome and Surgeon General-approved loneliness crisis affect families, not just individuals.

The nuclear family model itself is a historical and cultural aberration. “It takes a village,” as the saying goes. In the past, larger groups of extended family and local community members helped out. Kids ran around in packs. It’s still true in many cultures.

Now many parents get angry if another parent approaches a playground scuffle or tells a rude young visitor how to behave at their own child’s birthday party.

A child may be ripping out another kid’s hair, but heaven forbid you should intervene. The glowering parent, if too passive-aggressive to confront you directly, may go home and post about the incident online.

Parents and others get the message: adults are not allowed to talk to other people’s kids. Hard to have a village of involved parents, everyone helping each other, in that climate.

The podcast complained that the word “parent” was only a noun until the 1980s, when this parenting trend slowly began. Even without the verb, alleged experts have been telling parents what to do for years.

In early 20th century America, parents were told not to hold babies too much or care for them when they cried. Nope. Wouldn’t want to “spoil” those babies.

Many of them grew up with psychological problems that went unaddressed, which were then laid upon their own children. Some families stigmatize anyone who admits they have a problem and seeks help.

We see the results: emotional and relationship problems, untreated mental illness, mass shootings, self-harm, and addictions to alcohol, drugs, video games, online porn—anything to numb the ache.

Folks who learn from therapy and parenting books may go the other way. We want to be present and loving with our children.

Plus, some of us really love hands-on parenting. We want to stay home and raise our kids, or work from home part-time. It’s daunting financially but worth every precious minute.

We don’t necessarily feel socially pressured to do this, as the experts suggest. We find joy in attending to our kids’ physical and emotional needs while letting them make their own discoveries and explore the world.

Even if it turns a noun into a verb? We like parenting.

Maybe we’re a little tired, worn down, and worried about the bank balance. Still, in many families, the parents are all right.